We have so much abundance in our lives, it’s overwhelming. Recently, I had the luxury of spending time with my family, time that was abundant with love. But when I returned to my home, I felt their absence and the gapping hole in my heart. It’s true: I kept saying to myself, “ I love my family life and I love my solitude.” I am an active person who creates in many ways. I also love my work as psychotherapist/healer to others who come to seek relief from their difficult situations. I have a rich spiritual existence apart from my family.
But, on returning home after several days with five loving people, I felt loneliness. How could I fill the gap of the song of their voices, children’s laughter and the longing for their love brought by our geographic separation?
How do I to return to my solitary life? One of the first things I did was get in touch with friends close to home. Then I stopped, and sat and just sat. My unpacked bags left waiting while I attempted to recall who I am without others.
We come into the world alone and return home alone. I love the time spend with family and beloved friends, but I remembered again the only true companion in life is my God and myself.
In searching to find my life without the cheers and laughter of my family, I realized we don’t ever go back. I couldn’t go back to my old life, but acknowledged myself in this new place. There is only the present time. And in that moment, I needed stillness to clear the thoughts of what is next, and also clear thoughts of being “someone” defined by a role I play. I wanted to come fully into the present here and now.
What do I need in this moment? I searched until I settled into the peace of “nothing needed or desired.” I stayed with the sense of serenity and peace, but only after the moments of anxiety and fearful “I’m alone” feelings. When we learn to stay in the present and not go to flight or fight, there emerges something far greater than our thoughts of fear or “what next?”
True compassion of self comes when we let go of all our strivings and reach instead to hold the very parts of our psyche that are calling out for love. When we can accept all of our emotions, the joy and pain, goofy and intelligent, failures and successes, the lonely aches and the places so full of love. Present moment is where we live. Our essential goodness and essence along with the chaos and wonder of all our feelings is our true being. We learn to love ourselves through acceptance of self, and by being with all that we are. I’m home again in me, with me.
Be peace and be home,